Danties. Such a great word.

"Wear a size 6 danties"

Ring the new year in right.

No boots, no service.

"I only wear boots."

He's lying. He wore clothes to my show.

Money makes the world go 'round!

"I like money / I like money / Give me some money"

No.

ADD much?

"Nave 1786 / Jet Li Hero / scribble / jetlihers 9 / High Slipknot Society (?) / Bruce Lee rules!"

Uhm. Ok.

It wasn't me, I promise.

"Jonny / jonnyzavant@gmail.com / very funny man"

I didn't write this one, I promise. I actually got this card during the show and I lost it on stage. The gentleman who wrote it came up to me after the show and I didn't pistol whip him like I said I wanted to during the show.

Smart, Not Smart, Smart

"smart Smart"

This one made me laugh. It was by a 9yr old. I love that he wrote, "Smart" thought, "Nah. I shouldn't put that." scribbled it out, and then decided, "Well, yeah, I'm smart. I'll put that." Love it.

Happy Holiday Seasons!

"I hate holidays seasons"

Merry Christmas from this guy, and me!

Merry Christmas!

"Merry Christmas! ~Jonny Zavant"

He's a player.

"I enjoy playing soccer and I enjoy Going out with several Girls."

Who doesn't?!

Sunny days

"scribble scratch mark mark scratch -- I like sunny days."

As long as they're not too hot.

Top Model

"I NEVER MISS AMERICA NEXT TOP MOdEL"

I do.

Peanut allergy?

"Allergic to elephants."

How the *hell* do you figure that out?

Gypsy tears

"I love gypsy tears! Wo wa wi wa its a very nice!"

Welcome to 2006

Hokay

"I suck my tumb[sic] =) "

Pizza crash

"I crashed a pizza."

Their steering tends to get soft at 80mph.

I take _____ showers a day.

"I TAKE 3 SHOWERS A DAY."

I'M SURE YOUR FRIENDS THANK YOU!

36C

"I wear a 36C bra."

You sank my battleship.

Couch potato

"Out of bordem, I asked my sister to see if I could fit in a pull out couch. . . I got stuck!"

Boredom is one hell of a drug.

Pants status: Ripped

"I ripped my pants."

I'm flattered.

Pink

"My underwear are pink."

All of them?

Watermelon surfing

"I tired[sic] to surf on a watermelon and fell on the flor after being thrown in the air!"

Sounds like a Tuesday afternoon at my house. . .

Proper conjugation

"Jack off 2 time a day."

You're obviously not spending your time learning how to conjugate. . .

Trekkie!

"I read Star Trek:NG novels."

How often do you dress up?

Major ups

"I jumped over a moving car."

My question is, was it pre-planned, or a life-saving manoeuvre?

I have ______ siblings.

"I have 18 siblings."

Gotta do something during these cold winter months...

NSFYD (Not safe for your dinner)

"I like to watch Grandma Porn."

Wow. Just. Wow.

With a name like smothers, it's gotta be good.

"Sister almost smothered me at birth."

Hooray for getting distracted from the task at hand!

Clown comfort

"Very uncomfortable around Clowns."

I shouldn't tell you about my roots, then, should I?

Ketchupy bread.

"I like eating bread with ketchup."

Sounds like something I'd cook up.

Run away!!! Run away!!!

"I'm running from my ex by going to California."

Feet First!

"I was born feet first."

Brain Surgery

"I'm having brain surgery summer of 2011."

My thoughts are with you!

When hot sauce is too hot.

"I threw up trying hot sauce."

Interested in the medium, then?

I didn't see nothing.

"I was hit in the forehead with a baseball bat."

They told you once that you didn't see nothing.

Sacral Spot

"I was born with a blue dot on my butt."

I've heard of this, and I believe it's called a Sacral Spot, or Mongolian Spot.

Combo Breaker!

"I broke my face in the 8th grade."

???

"I seizure never another."

This Little Piggy Went to the Big Farm

"My pig died."

I'm salivating -- I mean, I'm sorry.

Clever Girls.

"Scared of Raptors"

Who isn't? They're clever girls.

Heavy Metal Sleeper

"I listen to artcore heavy metal music to go to sleep."

It's just like being back in the womb.

My All-time Favorite So Far

"I jumped off a castle!" Complete with illustration.

No Brownie Points Deducted

"I love to go country line dancing."

They're Delicious.

"I love pandas"

I think they're delicious!

Shovel leg.

"Scar on leg from shovel."

Trying the Calvin and Hobbes approach? Do it so badly the first time, you'll never have to bury a body again?

Get a bigger cat.

"My cat was bitten is [sic] half by a bobcat."

Get a bigger cat?

Aaron can be a girl's name, right?

"Likes watching the Notebook"

"Pinch Peeps Noises"

"I can pick things up with this ^my freakishly big space between the big on and the next one. I can also pinch peeps noises." [sic]

This is just too good for words. One of my all-time favorites.

Really Hope This is True

"I was kidnapped in Tijuana" I would be super interested in hearing the story behind this if it's true. Even if it's not, I'd still laugh.

5 Too Many

"I want 5 kids" That's a lot of mouths to feed.

Always Check the Adam's Apple

"I hit on a cross dresser"

And I'm sure it was an accident.